... perhaps every boy (or person) has those moments of what the hell am i supposed to do with my life, but right now i feel like i am having one... and it's a lonely place... i sometimes feel like i am where i am today because of a deep conviction that i do not want to be a part of the machine that is the american dream... but then again, am i completely naive or fooling myself?... or will i forfeit the future for the present... i don't want to grow up dammit...
i look at the pictures that my wife has put across our refrigerator right now... good friends from college with nice jobs that pay for nice houses and two cars and kids and vacations to foreign lands... and i think, did i want (or do i want) what they've got?... cause if so, my system and approach to life is not getting me there... but i rail against the day-in and day-out of office jobs and being in places where i am valued only by what i can do for 'the man'... or am i already doing that and again being naive?...
i see this one picture... its a picture of me when i was a little boy with a microphone in my hand singing... probably about 6 years old... and i remember my grandma saying something like, "sure, music is a fine dream, but find a real job'... a real job... one that will allow me to buy a new car or travel to fricking europe for 2-3 months or whatever...
so what do i do?... any ideas out there?... help...
A Fire Dragon living in The Year of the Dragon.
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...so jasen ashdown had me buy 'blue like jazz' to read with him... he's already read it, but he thought it'd be good to read together... thanks ja (pronounced jay, but i cannot write it that way or it would confuse with jay my other friend)...
anyways, started reading it and it triggered a memory of a conversation i have had with multiple people about treasuring the now and doing all we can in this moment to live in the way of jesus... perhaps i sometimes hold out for too much... perhaps that is narcicistic?... perhaps i should just focus on doing good instead of on having all my needs met through this one thing?...
perhaps i choose too much in my own comfort zone... perhaps i have been so far out of my comfort zone this last year that i feel like i have deserved a comfort zone job... i dunno...
merely thoughts...
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