Thursday, September 21, 2006

Waiting.

Life can feel like a waiting room, where you busy yourself with unimportant things, thinking that what is important is going on elsewhere or is soon to come. So we move with haste to busy ourselves with nonsense. How do we redeem waiting?

Our journey in pregnancy changed a week ago, when Holly started feeling different sorts of contractions. Our midwife came over and said that we might be in "real" labor soon. This was of course exciting news for a great many reasons. But it was inconveniencing as well. My mother was coming in for the weekend, we had a shower in Santa Cruz on Saturday, and I had bought a ticket to fly to DC on Sunday night to be with friends whom we love dearly.

Everything was temporarily put on hold. And so I cleaned house. What else can you do when you're told to wait?

Here we are, a week later, and no baby yet. I'm told that this is good practice for how life will be post-pregnancy...that is, that we are no longer in control of our schedules and whatnot. I'm sure there is great truth to that. But that doesn't mean that I'm ready for it. And that means nothing at all.

I'm really disappointed that I couldn't make it to DC...and if I were some sort of fatalist, I'd say there was a reason behind why I didn't "get" to go out there. But I think of myself as a sort of pragmatic deist sometimes. But if we had had a baby then it was going to give me a reason for why I didn't "get" to go...perhaps I'm a fatalist when it's convenient?

So we wait a little while longer...get some more work projects completed, clean house a little more thoroughly, read some books on kids and economic hit men, water my plants, write thank yous, eat breakfast, make coffee.

But the moment is now, not later. Why is that so hard for me to fathom? I can make sacred the future, but seldom the moment. Am I alone in my predicament? Is this the worst kind of sin? Lord, help me.

6 comments:

growing up in neverland said...

dude, that's tough man. i think those thoughts a LOT of the time! i always mentally project a great future thinking that this is all just in the meantime... but a lot of times i am reminded of how important the HERE and NOW really is. while we're on this earth, the meantime is all we've got.

i am so sorry that you've been on hold for this long. that sucks bro. i can't wait for you to experience what's about to miraculously bombard your world with joy and craziness! it's so awesome man... truly amazing.

EmmA...er...Pamela said...

sorry paxton wasn't ready to face the world yet...

did i tell you that book about confessions or someone else? maybe its just popular ;). anyway another book that might be of interest if the waiting continues is the selfish altruist.

aurora said...

Maybe I should come up there and Hollly and I can take long walks up and down Bernal Hill. It is the 21st now.

adam said...

i feel ya man.
i feel ya.

Ryan said...

I can relate. It is very difficult to see the now as sacred sometimes.

As much as this sounds cliche, your life will drastically change very soon, so do your best to enjoy these next days until the child does come.

SB said...

Ah, the time of pending... It was pretty-much impossible for H & me to focus on anything during those days/weeks. How can you marshall your attention for anything else when you're about to experience the unveiling of the tiny human you've made?