Life has been oh so full since we set foot in Portland. The house is amazing. But I'm tired and weary.
There's a lot that I'm thinking about. And there's simply very few places of sanity right now. This economic crisis seems like it's happening "out there" because I have zero sense of what it means to me. But it seems big, right? It unsettled me in a general, undefined sort of way.
And then there's the more specific ways I'm feeling unsettled. Namely that we're unsettled in the house. I've spent so long (has it really been so long?) practising exile. Now I want a context that I can feel comfortable in. And of course there's guilt felt with that. Feeling like you're selling out. Not doing enough. Considering 10 grand in windows in a world like ours.
But I'm tired of feeling so bound up by my supposed values and by this information that I thought would set us all free. Tired of judging myself. Tired. I don't need a vacation. I need a brand new story. One to set my mind at peace.
I'm sickfrom spending money and sick from the guilt I feel about spending money. I'm tired of living by someone else's rules, but to lazy to write my own.
I feel stuck and anxious. There's a tightening in my chest when I see the boxes everywhere, when I yell at Holly and Pax because they're closer to me than those who deserve my retaliation.
I need a break. Holly sent me out to get that. And for that I am grateful.
If you're the praying kind, pleases pray that I don't go to a dark place. That I can be happy or joyful. Thanks.