adaptation...

yesterday i watched kauffman's adaptation... very interesting film... its quirky as all his stories are, chaotic as life is, and true as a mirror...

no spoilers or anything, but its interesting how he and his brother are different sides of the same coin, from the same dna... charlie is trying so hard to be original and true to life and genuine and not kitchy at all (and it wrecks his life trying to do so) and then donald is writing all this cliche' stuff and its becoming successful and everyone loves it even though it is others' ideas rehashed at every turn...

i want to do something with my life... something true, something original, something me, something moving, but not sappy, but god, my god, it is so hard... it is full of failure and single-mindedness that leads to social anxiety and depth of lonliness and despair that i sometimes would trade to be a successful kitchy spiritual person... perhaps take up kaballah... or evangelicalism?... or become reformed?... or who knows?...

i am sad because i just from identity to identity trying to make me the new me, the one that i really want to be, but i am always tired and out of breath, and i hear jesus saying come to me all who are weary and burdened and i will give them rest, but i dont know how to come to him anymore it seems...

i am ready to take on new identity, something new to throw myself at and into, but i am so guarded of what i will give myself to...

in the movie, merryl streep's character makes a statement of how all she wants is to be so consumed with any one thing that it gives her purpose and fulfillment and all that stuff... and i hear the voice in the back of my head "be consumed with Me" but i dont know what that means knowing what i know now... that is, its not just a selfish, inward focussed, personal faith which holds me... it is much greater... but what does that mean?...

i have spent the last two days cleaning house... literally, cleaning, vaccuuming, hanging things, tucking things away... i think it makes me feel like i am in control of something at least, and in the chaos of my life, i can at least hide the chaos of my house or bring it to order or at least think its in order...

i think im gonna go read matthew now...