home at last... not that i didnt like minnesota, on the contrary, it was an amazing time and place, but... it is so good to be home in our bed, hanging the new windows we bought from a salvage warehouse on the north shore...
i have been thinking about a conversation i had with marlene at solomon's porch the night before we left... she was commenting on my 'controlling tendancies' and how i needed to allow myself to fail sometimes... to realize my own humanity in this whole divine-human equation... that is, stop controlling so much and leave some room for faith...
she said that often in life we live as if everything thing we do is a pass-fail opportunity... and its just that: black or white... and as i dialogued with holly on the way home, i see this in so many things and places... even in our upbringing, people were cautioning us abuot the decisions we make because one decision could fell the rest of our lives, so make sure you are 'on track', right?...
marlene said there is another way of understanding our journeys that has helped her tremendously and it was not so foreign to hear: life is a grand experiment, so if something blows up (say a little too much sulphur here) then take it out and keep trying new things... the idea is that now is not when i get it 'figured out'... now is an opportunity to see what works and what doesnt, what fits and what strangles, what completes and what takes away, what explodes and what produces healthy reactions... oh, and what might work for this season or that might not work for a different season in the future... or for another person...
just good to know that i am not so much of a f*** up as i sometimes think i am... i mean, i am, but its not so life-altering, its just me and how/who i am right now... on the road to beautiful, seasons always change...
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