Nice review Michael.
Today was a wonderful, clarifying day. May I take you through it?
Woke up at 8am to a phone call, reminding me that I was to meet with Mark (a friend and spiritual director and jesus follower) for several hours to discuss life and stuff.
Left 'round 9am in the Santa Cruz fog. Amazing that it is almost August and there is still cold fog in Santa Cruz... perfect day for a chai latte. I hadn't had one in a while, so I thought I'd treat myself.
The fog burned off just as I was summitting 17 to head into San Jose and up to San Francisco. Clarity finally, though interestingly enough, not quite as beautiful as the mystery-shrouded fog that I had left behind. So... time to change my iPod music from Linford Detweiler's contemplative-piano to Muse's epic-rock-n-roll. Turned it up loud, rolled down the windows. I was sailing.
For San Francisco being as packed with people as it is, the foothills just south of there are spectacularly open and undevelopped... at least from the freeway. Beautiful, I felt like I was in British Colombia or Washington state. Wow.
Made it to Mark's place in the Mission District of SF. Rough neighborhood, lots of character, and lots of local places... I have never been to NYC, but I can only assume that they are sister cities on some level with regards to all the little hole-in-the-wall spots.
Talked of family and vocation and opportunity and I complained and whined and said that I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, yada, yada, yada... and it hit me: Had every conversation with Mark been like this? Had I been repeating conversations each time? I mean, had I not advanced at all since our last talk?
He said that he had just realized the same thing about himself: That we contemplate the same insecurities and doubts and issues over and over. Such is life I guess?
Some clarity by the end of the day. Things I'd love to see change in me. A need to re-center. I think I'll go to the desert for a couple days soon and just "be". The need to be inspired and inspire. The need to stop thinking so much and just live... just live for once, Ryan.
Realized again that the foggy places are where the best art comes from, that is, that good art comes from deep within and often dark places made visible through this portal of canvas or lyric or screen. So I must embrace the fog, but not shun the sunlight. For both are parts of the whole. The yin and the yang.
The other day I was sitting in downtown Santa Cruz (a great place to people watch) before I caught I, Robot, and I looked at my tattoo and thought of what it meant to me today. When I got it those years ago, it was to be a reminder that the greatest virtue I can live by is brokenness, that is, being flexible and moldable and broken before my Creator... and I still hold this true, though perhaps in a different way.
But I realized that the tattoo now took on another meaning: I am a broken human being, my opinion is slanted, my understanding is limited, my vision blurred, my language slurred, my life dimly lit sometimes, my hope often selfish. I am broken; who am I to tell the world how to live "exactly"?
I am here to testify to my own brokenness. My authority on any thing does not come from my perfection in any area, but rather from my recognition that perfection is not a possibility. I cannot tell you how to do something from a place beyond you; I can only tell you what I have learned, how I have failed, how I moved, how I still move.
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