Friday, October 10, 2008

Up & Down

Life has been oh so full since we set foot in Portland. The house is amazing. But I'm tired and weary.

There's a lot that I'm thinking about. And there's simply very few places of sanity right now. This economic crisis seems like it's happening "out there" because I have zero sense of what it means to me. But it seems big, right? It unsettled me in a general, undefined sort of way.

And then there's the more specific ways I'm feeling unsettled. Namely that we're unsettled in the house. I've spent so long (has it really been so long?) practising exile. Now I want a context that I can feel comfortable in. And of course there's guilt felt with that. Feeling like you're selling out. Not doing enough. Considering 10 grand in windows in a world like ours.

But I'm tired of feeling so bound up by my supposed values and by this information that I thought would set us all free. Tired of judging myself. Tired. I don't need a vacation. I need a brand new story. One to set my mind at peace.

I'm sickfrom spending money and sick from the guilt I feel about spending money. I'm tired of living by someone else's rules, but to lazy to write my own.

I feel stuck and anxious. There's a tightening in my chest when I see the boxes everywhere, when I yell at Holly and Pax because they're closer to me than those who deserve my retaliation.

I need a break. Holly sent me out to get that. And for that I am grateful.

If you're the praying kind, pleases pray that I don't go to a dark place. That I can be happy or joyful. Thanks.


Nate Millheim said...

I pray you stay away from the dark places, my friend.

I can identify with some of what you are feeling. In particular, I felt a bit guilty about the little lawn I just put into our backyard. I installed it myself to save money, prepared the ground with a shovel and a pick and my sore back. Still, all the water it will need. The money I spent to purchase the sod...
Then I saw my kids run around on it and I felt good. Then I saw our neighbor kids who live in a tiny apartment with six people run around and kick a soccer ball, and it made me think it really was okay. I'm not trying to make some grand point here but I thought of what I just went through.

Mike Croghan said...

Praying, bro.

Mike said...

I'm praying, and finding hope in the fact that you're quoting yourself. That's a good sign.

Abby said...

Thinking about you, Holly and Paxton.

the nygrens said...


kristi said...

praying for you guys. and also thinking that if you are having these internal struggles, then you are probably okay. what i mean is that having these struggles at all means you are self-aware, keeping a check on yourself. so in the midst of the turmoil you are feeling, maybe that's a comforting thought. you & holly are kind, and real, and thoughtful about your living, and that will be rewarded.

joel said...

Much love, ryan.

buy the fucking windows!...portland is cold.

maria said...

Praying for you. And yes on the windows -- think how much energy you'll save!