Wednesday, December 15, 2004

A Deer In The Headlights

I might fail my Spanish 102 class this semester. I did poorly. And the truth is, I know I could have done better.

Now, let me say, I can be a pretty good student, but man do I know how to BS! But the thing about foreign language is that it is very hard to BS around. Seriously.

So last week, I went to ask mi profesora if I even had a chance of passing, should I repeat the course, yada, yada, yada. And she said, "Ryan, you just didn't put enough time in."

It hit me last week and it hits me now as I am trying to study for my 1pm final that I have today.

Ryan, you just didn't put enough time in.

I realized how this has become a theme in my life (or perhaps it has always been?) where I want to commit-like I was so excited to take these Spanish classes-but in the end, I opt for the half-ass approach. Perhaps this happened with my attempts with Timber, Anchor Point, other things?

Here's what struck the chord this morning. I was reading my vocab for this test and one of the words is la vecindad-the neighborhood. And I remembered how Doug and Shelly over at Solomon's Porch were doing this thing when we were out there called Vecinos which was a kind of VBS for Spanish speaking children in the church's neighborhood. And this morning I thought, I wish my church community could do that. In fact, there are a great many things I wish that we would do.

So why don't we? On to the deer in the headlights comment.

I get so many ideas in my head and then cannot commit to a single one. Like going off payroll. I had dreams of what that could help us achieve philosophically and lifestyle-wise as a family and as a church. But it didn't go as I wished. We are not all pulling equal weight. And sure there are things that I could do to inspire, so many things I could do to help along, but so many ideas, so many things going on in life, who has time/ability/energy/willfullness to commit to one thing/direction/vision and go full-ass (as opposed to half-ass) with it?

And then the time comment hits me, too. Putting in time means allowing for things to take time. Things take time. Change takes time. Re-calibrating lives takes time. Re-imagining the gospel of freedom takes time.

Hmm. Just rambles, I know. But I feel this morning like I cannot even commit myself to reading this material that I must know for this final that I must pass in order to pass the class, you know? Like it is hard for me to just sit and do it. What's wrong with me?

I don't have time to figure it out!

1 comment:

brad said...

You inspire me to think. That's just one of the reasons I love you so much Ryan. And all too often I feel the same when it come's to my level of commitment.
It reminded me of the a story told by Ray Vanderlaan??? on followtherabbi.com (recommended by Rob Bell @ the YS Convention).
The talmid or followers of a rabbi would walk the same path as the teacher, and if they were to deviate the rabbi would go back and do it over and over until the disciple got it right and followed the same path. No shortcuts. The whole ancient-future thing seems to remind us of how busy we are, and how many different directions we try to go in. And the more shortcuts that we can make the more we can do, and the more significant we become...strike that...not we but I since I shouldn't be projecting my problems on everybody else.
I wish I had taken more time to learn spanish better too. think of all the kids I could talk to now that come and play in our gym after school, in their other language. I could list a lot of regrets like that. But even now I strain to hopefully guess at what I should really focus on when there is a long list of "needs" and passions tugging at the hem of my garment.
Huh, I just randomly though of that lady reaching for Jesus, and how she's like all the stuff reaching for me. Not everybody who was bumping into time was taing the "power" out of him. So why that still, small touch? The barely noticable thing on the fringe? I suppose it was because that is where the faith was...like I said you inspire me to think. I'm gonna keep chewing on this.