I might fail my Spanish 102 class this semester. I did poorly. And the truth is, I know I could have done better.
Now, let me say, I can be a pretty good student, but man do I know how to BS! But the thing about foreign language is that it is very hard to BS around. Seriously.
So last week, I went to ask mi profesora if I even had a chance of passing, should I repeat the course, yada, yada, yada. And she said, "Ryan, you just didn't put enough time in."
It hit me last week and it hits me now as I am trying to study for my 1pm final that I have today.
Ryan, you just didn't put enough time in.
I realized how this has become a theme in my life (or perhaps it has always been?) where I want to commit-like I was so excited to take these Spanish classes-but in the end, I opt for the half-ass approach. Perhaps this happened with my attempts with Timber, Anchor Point, other things?
Here's what struck the chord this morning. I was reading my vocab for this test and one of the words is la vecindad-the neighborhood. And I remembered how Doug and Shelly over at Solomon's Porch were doing this thing when we were out there called Vecinos which was a kind of VBS for Spanish speaking children in the church's neighborhood. And this morning I thought, I wish my church community could do that. In fact, there are a great many things I wish that we would do.
So why don't we? On to the deer in the headlights comment.
I get so many ideas in my head and then cannot commit to a single one. Like going off payroll. I had dreams of what that could help us achieve philosophically and lifestyle-wise as a family and as a church. But it didn't go as I wished. We are not all pulling equal weight. And sure there are things that I could do to inspire, so many things I could do to help along, but so many ideas, so many things going on in life, who has time/ability/energy/willfullness to commit to one thing/direction/vision and go full-ass (as opposed to half-ass) with it?
And then the time comment hits me, too. Putting in time means allowing for things to take time. Things take time. Change takes time. Re-calibrating lives takes time. Re-imagining the gospel of freedom takes time.
Hmm. Just rambles, I know. But I feel this morning like I cannot even commit myself to reading this material that I must know for this final that I must pass in order to pass the class, you know? Like it is hard for me to just sit and do it. What's wrong with me?
I don't have time to figure it out!